Value conflict is characterized mainly by the fact that the behavior of a person is unacceptable to someone, but at the same time this behavior does not affect anybody directly. Something may seriously bother or even annoy an individual that would like the other person to change, but he/she does not see this as a problem and is not interested in changing at all. Conflicts of values can arise at different levels of communication – for example, between children and parents, between home and kindergarten / school life
Examples of a value conflict
- Parents want to give a toy to their child attending kindergarten every day, but it’s not allowed since there is only one specific day allocated for this. The conflict arises because parents try to provide the child with a sense of security, while the kindergarten workers need to follow the general rules.
- A teenager wants to buy new sneakers that he likes, but parents do not agree to buy them because of the high price. A conflict of values arises since the child finds it important to look fashionable, while parents consider the reasonable price to be more important.
A few more words about value conflicts
Conflicts at the level of values are tied to life values, and therefore it is very difficult to find a solution that will suit both.
Another example of conflict at the level of values is different ideas about independence. One partner may consider a relationship perfect if the spouses have their own interests, communicate with different people and can, say, go on vacation on their own. For another partner, something like that means the end of love, the collapse of a relationship because in their point of view, love is a kind of interdependence, when people spend as much time as possible together. Such a conflict can theoretically be resolved, but only through serious psychological work and great patience.
It is important to clarify the main values of a person as soon as possible and compare them with your own. And if obvious discrepancies come to light, then it is better to end the communication without delaying too much – simply because otherwise you can spend many years together tormenting each other and never reach mutual understanding. It is better to immediately build a relationship with such a person whose principles and values are close to yours.
And it is worth being guided by the rule – either a good relationship, or none.
Value conflict in relationship
It is essential to recognize the basic values at the stage of acquaintance, before moving on to intimate relationships, because it is much easier that way to break up in case of a mismatch. But this is quite difficult – after all, we ourselves are often ready to be deceived.
Only a few people are ready to take a sober look at the “dream girl” or “prince”. And besides, most of us try to look our best at the beginning of a relationship. And we can demonstrate qualities that we do not have, and vice versa, hiding what we have. This, of course, makes it difficult to understand each other. Therefore, most often, the basic values of a person begin to be recognized already in life together, after several months, or even years spent together.
Most people don’t think about whether a partner shares their life principles until an argument occurs. The fact is that, firstly, we rarely formulate our beliefs, and secondly, we have become so intimate with them that “by default” we believe that all people have the same values as ours. And this is not always the case.
It is impossible to completely exclude “surprises” after several years of living together, but something can be done to minimize the risks.
And here two obvious solutions arise: the first is to work with your beliefs, and the second is to clarify the beliefs of others.
Finding out our own values
It is important to be aware of our beliefs and principles. Most of us do not formulate them for ourselves, although we are guided by them in all important decisions and in life in general. Pulling your own values out of the subconscious will be useful not only to negotiate with a partner. “On the way” you can find out a lot of interesting things about yourself, your motivation and the reasons for certain actions.
Finding out the values of your partner
The second logical step is to find out what is important for the person with whom we communicate or already have a relationship. A simple conversation that can be held at any stage – even on the first date will help here. It is important to do this without fanaticism and not turn communication into interrogation. You also need to be careful about the results of the conversation, because we do not always understand each other correctly and often hide our beliefs for various reasons.
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