Attachment theory promotes the idea that everyone develops a relationship attachment style in childhood that influences how they interact and behave in relationships. How does it develop? Well, a person’s attachment style is influenced by their relationship with their caregivers among other factors.
The four attachment types are anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure. For those with anxious attachment, you may notice yourself feeling distressed and uncertain. But the good news is you can shift to a secure one with time and effort.
What is an Anxious Attachment Style?
People with an anxious attachment style have difficulty feeling secure in their relationships. If you’re anxiously attached you may fear abandonment, mistrust your partner, and have low self-esteem. You may be concerned that your partner is drifting away from you and feel the need to ask for consistent and constant reassurance.
When there is a small conflict, you may take it personally and have a big reaction. The fear that your partner will abandon you can lead to you overanalyzing your partner’s behavior and panicking over small changes. Those who have an anxious attachment style often put their partner’s needs before their own and can be overly attentive in relationships.
What is a Secure Attachment Style?
People with a secure attachment style are the opposite of those who are anxiously attached. When people have a secure attachment style, they feel confident in their relationships. There is no fear their partner will abandon them which means they are open and trusting. When there is conflict, people with a secure attachment know how to effectively manage the situation.
Having a secure attachment style means you know how to meet your partner’s needs while equally expressing your own. You will naturally feel reassured in your relationships without your partner needing to constantly put your mind at ease.
How to Shift from an Anxious to a Secure Attachment Style
To change your attachment style, you’ll need to do the following;
Step 1: Identify Your Attachment Style
Firstly, you need to understand which attachment style you currently have. To learn your attachment style, you can take a free online quiz, do your own research, or visit a mental health professional. Being aware of your attachment style will help you better understand yourself and provide you with a starting point for understanding the way you think and act.
Step 2: Observe and Learn from Others
If you have a friend who demonstrates a secure attachment style, this can be a great resource for you to learn from. You can watch their secure behavior, learn how they navigate conflict, and gain a real understanding of how they behave confidently in a relationship and mirror some of their secure behavior. You can also learn from others online. Many influencers tell their stories online of how they shifted from anxiously to securely attached.
Step 3: Increase Your Self-Esteem
Often an anxious attachment can stem from having low self-esteem. You don’t have a positive view of yourself so you find it hard to be confident. Having a higher self-esteem will help reduce your fear of rejection and need for reassurance.
To build your self-esteem you should try to recognize your positive traits and celebrate your success, no matter how small. You could write a list of things you like about yourself. When you have an unkind thought about yourself, actively challenge it. Think about how a friend would feel if you said the thought to them. Avoiding comparing yourself to others can help build your self-esteem, remember that what you see online isn’t always the full truth. Looking after yourself by eating a healthy diet and doing regular physical exercise can increase your self-esteem by improving your mood and mental well-being.
Step 4: Be Proactive
Recording your anxious emotions and behavior can help you identify patterns in your thoughts and actions. This way, you can work on self-regulation and stopping your anxiously attached behavior before it happens. You can be proactive by communicating your feelings openly to your partner so they can understand your needs.
Starting to Shift
While it’s super important to address insecure attachment styles early on in childhood, not all of us have caregivers or access to social workers with an online BSW who work in school settings to help us navigate our feelings and develop strategies to better communicate how they feel so they can work towards a secure attachment style.
Shifting to a secure attachment style won’t happen overnight. It takes time, effort, and consistency. The first step is always the hardest, but once you make a start you’ll be glad you did!
A Path to Emotional Security
If you struggle with anxious attachment, you know how difficult it can be to maintain emotional balance in relationships. The fear of rejection, overanalyzing every interaction, and constantly seeking reassurance can take a toll on your well-being. However, it’s possible to transition from anxious to secure attachment by learning to create emotional safety within yourself and your relationships.
Recognize Attachment Triggers
Shifting from anxious to secure attachment begins with self-awareness. Pay attention to the moments when you feel overly dependent on others’ approval or experience emotional distress due to minor shifts in communication. These are the triggers tied to your attachment anxiety. Identifying patterns helps you understand your reactions and sets the stage for change.
Practice Emotional Regulation for Trust and Intimacy
Anxious attachment triggers can make it difficult to trust others fully, causing conflict and emotional exhaustion. Learning to regulate your emotions, especially in moments of distress, is essential. When anxiety arises, pause and acknowledge it: “I notice I feel anxious right now.” This self-validation strengthens your ability to hold space for your emotions without acting impulsively.
With time, this practice reduces the need to seek constant reassurance, allowing you to build deeper trust and intimacy in your relationships.
Develop Secure Relationships Through Communication
Shifting toward secure attachment involves cultivating relationships where both partners feel emotionally safe. Communicate your needs openly, focusing on “I” statements to express your emotions without blaming others. For example: “I feel worried when I don’t hear from you all day; it helps me feel connected when we check in.”
By practicing this kind of open communication, you are not only healing attachment wounds but also developing secure relationships that encourage mutual support and respect.
Build Inner Security to Overcome Anxious Attachment
Moving from anxious attachment to secure attachment requires more than just better relationships—it starts with building emotional security within yourself. Take small steps to validate your experiences, meet your emotional needs, and recognize your worth, independent of others’ approval. This shift helps you reduce attachment anxiety in adults by transforming your inner dialogue from self-doubt to self-trust.
Balance Your Relationships Without Avoidance
It’s common to swing between avoidant vs anxious attachment behaviors when trying to shift your style. You may feel tempted to distance yourself as a defense against anxiety. Instead, focus on creating balanced connections. Healthy boundaries foster both
Key Features of Secure Attachment
When someone transitions to a secure attachment style, they experience a profound shift in how they connect with themselves and others. Here are the essential features of secure attachment that define emotionally healthy relationships and inner well-being:
1. Emotional Regulation
A person with secure attachment can manage their emotions effectively without being overwhelmed by fear of rejection or abandonment. Instead of reacting impulsively to triggers, they pause, reflect, and respond in ways that nurture the relationship and their inner stability.
2. Trust and Emotional Safety
Trust forms the foundation of secure relationships. Securely attached individuals feel safe expressing their emotions and needs, knowing they won’t be judged or dismissed. They also offer this emotional safety to others, fostering mutual respect and openness.
3. Balanced Independence and Intimacy
Unlike anxious or avoidant attachment, secure attachment allows for a healthy balance between closeness and autonomy. Individuals feel comfortable being independent without fearing it will jeopardize their relationships. They can maintain intimacy without feeling suffocated or dependent.
4. Open and Honest Communication
People with secure attachment engage in direct and clear communication. They are comfortable expressing their thoughts, feelings, and needs without hidden agendas or fear of conflict. This kind of communication helps prevent misunderstandings and strengthens emotional bonds.
5. Resilience in Relationships
Securely attached individuals can navigate challenges without doubting the stability of their relationships. Disagreements or conflicts are seen as opportunities for growth rather than signs of doom, enabling them to repair and improve connections.
6. Self-Worth and Inner Security
With secure attachment, self-worth is not dependent on others’ approval or validation. Individuals trust their own value and feel comfortable in their skin, leading to healthier connections where love and validation come from a place of abundance rather than need.
7. Empathy and Emotional Availability
Securely attached people can empathize with others’ experiences and emotions, creating deeper understanding and compassion. They are emotionally available to their partners and loved ones, fostering an atmosphere of support and care.
8. Ability to Set and Respect Boundaries
Boundaries are clear yet flexible in secure attachment. People feel comfortable saying ‘no’ when necessary, without guilt or fear of losing the relationship. They also respect others’ boundaries, knowing that limits strengthen, not threaten, connections.
9. Consistency and Reliability
A hallmark of secure attachment is consistency in behavior and emotional availability. Individuals show up for their partners and loved ones, building trust through reliable actions and presence over time.
10. Mutual Support and Growth
In a secure relationship, both partners encourage each other’s personal growth. There’s a shared sense of responsibility for the relationship’s well-being, ensuring that both individuals can thrive emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually
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